How to Avoid Bargaining with Your Teen

Relinquishing Your Parental Authority

Bargaining is often a sign that parents are losing authority over their child, particularly when they begin bargaining about rules that are, or should be, “hard lines in the sand,” says O’Kelley. Teens and preteens may feel a misplaced sense of entitlement that begins to wear away at a parent’s authority.

“Entitlement is when someone believes they have a right to make a choice that is outside of their power,” explains O’Kelley. “When parents repeatedly let their child make decisions that are outside of the child’s power, the child becomes inflated with a sense of self that is inaccurate in terms of the child’s belief in her ability to affect the outcome of events.”

Power is given to parents – not children – for good reason. Parents have the experience, knowledge, and wisdom to keep their kids safe and make good decisions for their child. Of course, there are times when it is fair and appropriate to negotiate and compromise with teens. Power can certainly be shared, but only when the outcome does not have the potential to harm the child.

Rather than bargaining with your child, O’Kelley recommends empowering her to influence the outcome of decisions that truly are negotiable and drawing clear boundaries in areas that are not up for debate.

“For example,” says O’Kelley, “parents may share power with a child around some of the TV programs the child watches. However, the parent should not share decision-making power with the child if a program has content that is too advanced for the child’s age and maturity level. This is an example of a non-negotiable item – there is no discussion or negotiation.”

Similarly, a middle school-aged child should not be allowed to negotiate about which friends she has sleepovers with, what parties she can attend, or how late she can stay out at night. Nor should a middle school child be allowed to choose not to go to school. “Permitting a child to do so allows the child to usurp the parent’s authority on matters that should be non-negotiable because they are in the child’s best interest,” says O’Kelley.

Reclaiming Personal Power

Not only do parents give up their authority in the bargaining process, but they also surrender their personal power – their power to make choices that align with their personal values. For example, a parent gives away his personal power when he allows a child to speak disrespectfully to adults without any consequences. The parent may feel powerless to stop the child from treating him in a manner that goes against his personal values.

The way to regain personal power, says O’Kelley, is by maintaining boundaries. Knowing which rules are negotiable and which are non-negotiable and sticking to it is the first step. It’s also important for parents to take care of their own mental and physical health by making time for themselves. In doing so, you become a role model to your child, showing her how to get her needs met in a healthy way. Knowing what your values and morals are and living by them is another way to set clear guidelines for your child.

Tips for Avoiding Power Struggles with Your Teen

While the occasional power struggle is a natural part of parenting, setting up a pattern of bargaining can set the stage for a contentious parent-child relationship during high school and beyond. The following are a few suggestions O’Kelley offers for avoiding power struggles with your teen:

1. Decide which rules or topics are non-negotiable. Talk with your spouse to make sure both of you are on the same page and are prepared to present a united front to your teen.

2. Inform your child that these particular items are no longer up for negotiation and that when you, the parent, says “no” or that a topic is not up for discussion, you are exercising your legal authority to make decisions in the best interest of your child.

3. Inform your child which areas are open for discussion and possible negotiation.

4. Recognize that a child who has negotiated before will try to negotiate again – and this time, she’ll press even harder, hoping that you will give in. Parental responses to these pleas for negotiation should be neutral but firm, such as :

• “Nevertheless, you will not be going to Susan’s house for an overnight.”
• “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but that is my final word.”
• “This is not negotiable. I am not comfortable with you going to Mike’s house for the reasons we have already discussed.”
• “If you continue to push this, I will have to … (ground you for the evening for not accepting my decision, take away your cell phone for 24 hours, etc.).”

5. Understand that if you have allowed your child to negotiate in the past and are trying to regain your personal power in the relationship, the process takes time. You may have to set multiple boundaries and have the same discussion several times. Teenagers will test every rule. For example, “Can I go to Jenny’s house?” “No.” “Can I go to the mall with Jenny?” “No.” “Can I study with Jenny and Sarah?” “No.”

6. Do not get stuck in an argument. Too many words are usually a sign that you are negotiating. The longer the conversation continues, the more your teen feels she can change your mind.

7. Always listen to your children. You can validate their feelings without necessarily agreeing. For example, you may want to say, “I understand that you feel left out because everyone else is going to the party. Nevertheless, I am not comfortable with you going.”

Next time your child tries to spark a debate on a non-negotiable issue or “win” in a bargaining exchange, remember these parenting tips and do yourself and your child a favor by drawing a clear, but fair boundary. If you have used these strategies in the past and your child continues to struggle with respect, rules, and authority, it may be time for a professional intervention.

How to know if you have a troubled teen

“What defines a troubled teen and when do I seek intervention?”

One of the obstacles that can cause parents to delay in getting help for their struggling teen is confusion about the answer to above question.

Many parents find themselves comparing their child to other children by saying things like “My child is not as bad as their kid!” and “Why can’t my teen act like that so-and-so’s child?”

Below are signs of a troubled teen:

* Your teen has regular, sudden outbursts of anger that are clearly unreasonable.

* Your teen regularly misses curfew, does not show up when expected, and lies about his or her whereabouts.

* Your teenager has suddenly changed his or her peer group and hasn’t made an effort to let you meet these new friends.

* Your teen has stolen money from you or others in the home on regular occasions.

* Your child becomes more secretive, and it seems like more than a desire for greater privacy.

* Your teen has extreme mood swings, from depression to elation.

* Your child’s grades have suddenly dropped and the child has lost interest in the usual activities.

If you notice that your teen is displaying more that 2 of the above signs be sure to talk to your teen about what you are noticing. Ask them what is going on and let them know that you are concerned. Also speak to them in a non-attacking way. Never be worried about calling their physician to discuss what you are noticing.

The most important step is the 1st step

Keep your teen out of gangs

Gang violence in schools has become so prevalent that schools often have special police officers assigned to deal with it. Being aware of gang involvement or gang intimidation is necessary to keep your teen safe and involved with kids who are positive influences. Teens looking for acceptance will often look for negative attention just as readily as they seek positive attention. Setting a strong example and being an active parent are two ways to help your teen steer clear of gangs.

Keep Your Teen out of Gangs

• Be a positive influence for your teen. Providing a strong parental role model is considered the best way to help your teen through difficult situations.
• Give as much attention as possible to your teen. Gang involvement sometimes starts because teens aren't getting the attention they need at home. Be your teen's biggest fan! If your teen feels supported, valued and respected in his house, he may be less likely to try and meet those emotional needs elsewhere.
• Help your teen focus on her goals for the future. Ask her to think about the bigger picture. This is especially important to focus on until teens can set strong future plans for themselves.

Teach Your Teen How to Respond to Gang Violence

• Treat the problem seriously. If your teen is fearful of someone at school, contact school authorities or the police to deal with the situation immediately. Keeping your teen out of danger is your first priority.
• Set an appointment to meet with the school principal or vice principal immediately. Sometimes school authorities are unaware of a volatile situation until it's too late.
• Tell your teen to avoid the kids in gangs. If your teen feels intimidated, let him know that it is okay to walk or run away from these gangs.
• Encourage your teen to create a positive relationship with a trusted adult at her school. Make sure she knows there is someone at school she can go to if she is being intimidated by gang members.

How to Discipline a Teen

All parents who are raising teenagers in today’s hectic world know that disciplining them can be tricky. You have to wager the punishment with the crime and make sure that you are constantly enforcing it. But many parents lack the skills to effectively discipline their teen. These steps will tell you how to punish your teen and assure that they know exactly why they are being disciplined.

Talk to your teen about what they did. You first must discuss with your teen what they did and why they are in trouble for doing it. Do not yell as this will only make them put up a brick wall. Rather, casually and calmly explain to them why they are in trouble.

Let them know why it was wrong and why you are going to punish them. Your teen is anxious for direction, this is why they rebel. Let them know that what they did was indeed wrong and that they are going to have to be punished for it whether they like it or not.

Decide on a punishment. Make sure the punishment fits the crime. Decide on the best form of punishment. Be it grounding or freezing of their privileges, make sure it is something that they will remember and will associate with their actions.

Stand firm and enforce the rules. Your teen will try to do anything and everything to get out of their punishment once it has been handed down to them. You must stand firm and make sure that they serve out the entire portion of their punishment so that the lesson can be learned.